Damn it, Bohler

In space, no one can hear you cum.

The brilliant actress, Natalie Morales pointed this out on her twitter:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/7858388/International-Space-Station-sex-ban.html

So much for my hopes of seeing that documentary about space prostitutes.  I call “Shenanigans.”  That is bullshit.  Why, if not to find new places to have sex, is man exploring the deepest reaches of space.  Kirk wasn’t looking for “strange new worlds” so he could find a cure to racism, cancer, or male pattern baldness.  He was looking for this:

Charlton Heston traveled to the stars in search of new ways to have sex.  He dabbled in bestiality:

He finally settled for the taboo of seducing a retarded mute girl named Nova.  It was Chuck’s dream girl:

And it’s not just men.  Barbarella was way into sex too:

Not to mention Starbuck and the other ladies of Battlestar Galactica.  You put more than one person in space and they will fuck.  Even if it’s two straight people of the same sex, it’ll still happen.  Hell, even if you put one person in space, he or she will masturbate.  Think about it:  Floating above the world, weightless…your hand drifts towards the zipper…It’s just gonna happen.

You know what happens when you keep astronauts from space-fucking?  They go fucking nuts.  Buzz Aldrin yelling at moon!  Lisa Nowak driving the diaper express to kidnap the president’s daughter!  This is what happens:

We must stop this madness!  Call your congress person!  E-mail the president!  Send condoms to NASA!  Let them know that this travesty cannot continue.  I’ll bet after hearing this news the amount of astronauts in training dropped by 99%.  I’m sure there’s some poor souls out there who think they can handle it, but they too will go mad.  Mad with the Neptunes (planet-sized blue balls!).  Is this the future you want for your children?  Is this the way you want aliens to see us.  No E.T. is gonna wanna hang with those losers who don’t even bang in space.  Do you think this is what Major Tom would have wanted?  No!  We are disgracing his memory by not fornicating in the final frontier.

Do a favor for those folks trapped in space, forbidden from carnal desires:  Think about them the next time you do the horizontal mamba.  Because I’ll guarantee you this, they’re thinking about you.

Get ready for Boobquake!

Basically it encourages women to wear their most revealing tops on April 26th to stick to some ass in Iran who claims that women wearing  revealing outfits cause earthquakes.  That’s nonsense!  I mean…wait a second, that could explain why California is always having earthquakes… Perhaps this religious nutjob (normally I’d use the term whackjob, but he clearly doesn’t do that enough) is on to something.  NO!  Science says, “No!”

So I say to women everywhere, “Show me your boobs!  Really, it’s an empowerment thing…and it’s not creepy at all.  See, I even brought my camera to prove how not creepy it is.”

So go for it, and even if the religious nutjob turns out to be right, is there a better day to have the earth jiggle…Huh.  Maybe it’s not Mother Earth after all…Maybe Earth’s a frat boy.  Rain is just his way of saying, “WET T-SHIRT PARTY!”

Thanks to Teija for letting me know about boobs and the quakes that them cause.

I ran out of sleep and beer today and now I don’t have any friends. I replaced sleep with a cartoon about a dog made of other dogs, but then Voltron killed it.

I replaced beer with a game of Russian roulette, but it isn’t as fun when all you have a glock.  It’s just messy and then you someone to clean up.  Like this guy:

So now I’m wishing it wasn’t taboo to surf the internet for porn in public, because porn makes sense even when nothing else, unless it’s German.  And speaking of Germany, how crappy does a country have to be to lose two world wars and ruin porn.  Just stop, Germany.  Call yourself Schnitzengruben and hide your shame.

France gets a lot of shit for being war pussy (which means every time there’s a war, they get fucked), but they were on the winning side at least.  They also make a shitload of wine and cheese, which makes almost any party bearable.  Providing it’s an Italian wine and a Greek cheese, of course.

In closing, this entire post is the fault of one man: My buddy, John. He asked me to write a blog about my lack of sleep (I’m at 28 hours without sleep) and beer, and this is what he got.  It was a fun little exercise and I’d like to try it again in the future.  So if you’ve got a subject/idea/tater tot/theme you would like me to blog about send me an email at bohler@damnitbohler.com. Just make sure you include the word “request” somewhere in the subject line and if you want me to mention you, tell me your name. I’ll even go one better, if you include a picture of yourself, I’ll post it in the blog. Sound good? Great!

Or possibly, just a bitchin’ new look for Damnitbohler.com.

In the next few weeks, you might notice some changes to the site. Some have already started. For instance, I’ve changed the about me page to include a formspring widget. Use it to ask me questions and don’t feel like they need to be appropriate, the answers probably won’t be. I will post the answers on the page so everyone can see them.

I’ve also got my very own bloggy e-mail address now: Bohler@damnitbohler.com
Use it for any blog related business you might have, such as death threats.

In the coming days there’s more to come: A fancy new layout, deathmatches, reviews, and after May, a guaranteed two blogs a week schedule (I hope!).
In conclusion, here’s a picture that has nothing to do with anything:

Excuse me, advertisers?  Do you want me to buy something?  Anything?  Then use this commercial:

This is the single greatest ad I have ever seen.  It has no equal.  I stumbled across this years back and it’s always been at the top of my list of funny commercials.  You have to watch this at least twice, if not more, just to catch all the bizarre shit that happens in it.  This makes me want a Nutrigrain bar, even though they suck.  That’s great advertising.  There’s only one problem.  It never aired.  In fact, according to what I’ve been able to find online, the ad was created by a company (no longer in operation, apparently) called Turnpike Films for a demo reel.

I have a simple proposal.  Use this ad to sell everything.  Seriously.  Chicken, toothpaste, deodorant, cars, Tomacco, everything.  I’d buy it as least once.

Here are some runners up for my favorite commercials:

And my favorite ad that’s currently airing?

Let me know what your favorite ad is and why.

EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the Bruce Campbell ad collection. I’ll limit it to just one for now:

I’m currently a bit under the weather. So like any other normal drama queen, I pondered my own mortality…Much like William Shatner:

I started by thinking about the things I’d want to do before I die as KDHX played a song from Johnny Cash’s new (and posthumous) album. While listening to his version of Satisfied Mind, it occurred to me that I need to think about from the other side. I should start thinking about the things I want to do when I’m dead…a sort of bucket list of undeadness. I thought of ten things and could probably think of more but ten is such a good number. Without further ado:

1. Return from the Dead –

This seems obvious, I know, but consider the possibilities. I could start a new religion or feast on the brains of the living or both. I could seduce high school girls or southern waitresses. It just goes on and on.
2. Haunt Someone – Another obvious one, but come on! How much fun would it be to freak out a dude by moving a vase? Really fucking cool. I’d totally haunt people I like to, just so they’d have some awesome stories to tell.
3. Possess someone – This is very close to haunting I know, however, you can actually take control of someone. Number one on my possession list is Shia LeBeouf. I’d make him do everything I could think of to ruin his career so he wouldn’t show up in any more movies. He cannot star in the Y: the Last Man film. NO!
4. Gain All Knowledge – I’m not talking omnipotence, I’m talking about knowing everything that has happened as it has happened. I’d like to know the truth about the Kennedy assassination and what actually happened at Roanoke.
5. Travel Through Time – I’m assuming this is possible once I’m dead because I feel like it. I’d really like to see the future and dinosaurs. Speaking of…
6. Ride a Dinosaur -

Why the fuck not? I’m dead, they’re dead, it’s a match made inheaven…so to speak

7.  Search the Universe for Intelligent Life – I’m fairly sure the afterlife gonna last a while, might as well keep busy.  Am I right?

8.  Recreate that parody of the Ed Hopper painting:

9.  Go to a party at Abe Lincoln’s place with my buddies, Phil Hartman, John Belushi, and John Candy.  While I’m at it, my date will be Sharon Tate.

And last but not least (in fact, it was the reason I decided to come up with a list)

10.  Play a game of Poker with Warren Zevon, Johnny Cash, and Elvis Presley – Do I need to explain?  Can you even imagine the awesome?  It would break your mind and shatter your soul!  Impossible to script!  Impossible not to love!

There you go, that’s my top ten.  You don’t have to tell me ten, but what would you do in the afterlife?  Let me know, because I might see you there.

A train filled with passengers is out of control (just go with it, okay):

Who will save them?  Could it?  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  No, It’s Superman!  In a matter of moments, the lives of countless people are saved:

As soon as the train comes to a halt, Superman returns to the skies to save the universe from the terrible threat of Brainiac.  He’s not worried about taking credit, Superman is just happy to help.

However, Aquaman witnesses the entire incident from a nearby kiddie pool, a Dora Explorer one, to be exact.  He quickly sees an opportunity and rushes over to the nearby wreck at the speed of water before anyone is able to exit the train.  With his mighty mitts, he grabs on to the train and thrusts his feet into the ground.  He looks to be the hero!

The people cheer!  Some ask for the name of their mysterious savior, others say things like, “I thought he was dead”, but all are grateful.  Aquaman relishes the cheer and decides to replenish his powerful muscles with a drink from the magic flask.

The magic flask was a cursed treasure Aquaman stole from a group of undead pirates.  It contains a never-ending supply of cursed rum that Aquaman quickly poured into his mouth.

Within mere moments of pouring the magic rum down his throat, Aquaman began to feel it’s effects.

The crowd watched in horror as Aquaman stumbled into the crowd.  He grabbed a woman and tried to kiss her, but the young woman quickly slapped him and Aquaman fell back.  He then stumbled back to the train and muttered something about Superman before falling against it.

His eyes closed and he lost consciousness in front of the large group of survivors.  As people began to wander away from the scene of the near death accident, one of them pondered out loud, “I wonder what the curse on the flask was.”  The man next to him, who sported a gold tooth and eyeliner, responded with authority, “The rum is endless, but it tastes terrible.”  Both men turned and looked back at the hero.

Aquaman was later picked up by local authority for indecent exposure.

The End

A note:  This adventure came courtesy of Con Nooga.  It was a total blast, and I’ll probably be there next year.

I just couldn’t leave Valentine’s day alone. Yes, I think it’s a shitty “holiday” like almost any sane person should, but I’m not going to waste my time or yours with the same old shit. Instead, let’s talk relationships:

“Relationships are hard and people are stupid.”

This is a quote from my friend and brilliant musician, Juliana Finch (also check out her blogsite, Write. Play. Repeat.). She’s right. As smart as I’d like to say I am, I’m a total fucking idiot when it comes to being in actual relationship like most of us out there. However, in my time as a single man in a relationship world, I feel I can offer an outsider’s view. Just call me Uatu, and if you get that reference, you probably need a date or are named Mark.

The A-number-one key to a healthy relationship is trust. She trusts that he won’t shove his dick into a disease-ridden prostitute. He trusts that she won’t bang that guy that looks better naked than he does. Trust. The primary opponent of trust is drama. Drama is caused by one thing and one thing only in this world and that is…us. Why do we cause drama? Because we get bored? Nope, I don’t buy that line.

Drama is cause by two things:
1: A person not being honest with someone else.
2: A person not being honest with themselves.

Honesty isn’t always easy. Sometimes you’ve got to pull a trigger and hurt someone. The sad fact of life is that shit doesn’t always go our way. If it did, I’d be King of the hobos and live on Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Just because you like her, doesn’t mean she has to like you. It sucks, but it happens to just about everyone. Take comfort in knowing that good looks can only take you so far and personality doesn’t always equal a six pack.

I’ve fucked up relationships in the past and not just the romantic ones. Not being honest with myself and others caused some of these schisms. Some, I’ve been lucky enough to repair and others are probably gone forever. I’d like to think that honesty could have prevented the shit from hitting the fan, it might not have, but it certainly couldn’t of hurt. And as I type this, as I think about the advice I’ve just spouted off, I am sure of one thing: I will never be sure that I’ll be honest the next time it counts.

But I’ll try.

Remember, Love means never having to say, “I’m stupid.” Because your significant other already knows.

If you want to pick up the Law and Order Valentine’s Day cards for your sweetheart (Don’t do it because it’s Valentine’s Day, do it because you want to show him or her you care in a funny and slightly creepy way), check out Brandon Bird’s store. This man is a total fucking genius. Just look at his whole fucking website. Do it!

Something extra:
I had intended to mention Warren Zevon’s song “Don’t Let Us Get Sick”. Listen to it and tell me if you can’t figure out why.

DISCLAIMER: This was meant to posted on Monday, but I ran into scheduling issues. Whoops!

I actually did something this weekend. Well, two things actually. It started on Tuesday when I was listening to my favorite radio station, KDHX (There’s a link there, check it out, fall in love. They stream live and keep a two week backlog of shows). I was listening to the show, Rocket 88 when Darren Snow announced that he was giving away tickets to Naughty Gras at the Koken Art Factory. I like free things and I hadn’t been either cultural or social in a while, so I called in and won. How’s that for awesome sauce (which for the record, has to have garlic in it)? As soon as I realized I won, I realized why I don’t like to go to events, I’d have to get all gussied up and for a nerd with little fashion sense and a poor man’s closet, gussied up isn’t easy. I posed the question of what to wear to both facebook and twitter and got some fantastic and terrible results. I think the response I liked the most came from Rhett (Heya!) who wrote, “Whatever makes you feel attractive and is completely ludicrous.” That’s pretty much exactly what I did. I didn’t take a picture of my outfit, and I won’t write out a detailed description because I’m not Anne Rice. Rest assured it really wasn’t that ludicrous, but it did involve my maroon Chucks.

Naughty Gras

Naughty Gras was really an art show that focused on erotic art. It also happened to have live music from a couple of local bands and performances by the burlesque groups, Lola Van Ella and the Bon-Bons and Gravity Plays Favorites.

I would like to point out right here and now, that I’m not a fan of strip clubs. I enjoyed my first time simply because I was a 22-year-old virgin, but it upon my second visit, I decided that it really wasn’t my scene. I’ll freely admit that it had a lot more to do with the cleanliness and the company I was with than the girls. I am in awe of anyone who is able to do anything naked in front of a large group of people and maintain eye contact with anyone in the crowd.

That being said, this was my first real burlesque show experience. I had seen bits and pieces (pun intended) of Lola’s routine through a massive crowd of people at KDHX’s Midwest Mayhem, but I realized after seeing her and company perform at Naughty Gras, that I should not count that.

It started out with Lola Van Ella performing “Whatever Lola Wants.” This is one of those songs that I have issues with everyone singing. For example, “My Way” is a song I can only stand when sung by Frank Sinatra or Sid Vicious. When I heard the the tale-tell opening to “Whatever Lola Wants” and realized that she wasn’t going to just dance to it, but sing it, I rolled my eyes. I really didn’t want to hear another terrible cover of a song that Gwen Verdon and Sarah Vaughan own.

Sometimes there is nothing better than being wrong.

This is a clip from her myspace page, just to give you an idea.

Lola Van Ella has an amazing voice and managed to make that song her own. To hold her own against Verdon and Vaughan, is no small feat. I saw her sing twice that night, and she didn’t strip during her vocal performances. She didn’t need to, because it was her audience, and she could have read a book and the crowd (made up of more women than men) would have cheered at the end. After her first performance, she joined her Bon-Bons for a strip tease set to the Coasters’s “Down in Mexico.” If the idea and stripping and “Down in Mexico” sound familiar, you might be remembering Tarantino’s Death Proof. You don’t? Youtube is a motherfucking saint, ain’t it?

Lola did one more song and a solo strip tease at the end of the night and honestly can’t say enough about her presence. She really commanded the room, which even veteran performers have trouble doing. I only saw one other Bon-Bon perform solo and she was Bitsy Bittersweet who did a cute prison themed striptease to Fiona Apple’s “Criminal.” I was impressed that she stayed in handcuffs until the very end of the performance.

I’ve saved the most impresive for last. Gravity Plays Favorites. Wow. Just wow. Back in the early days of Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show (RIP), he had a Cirque De Soleil pole dancing routine that was breathtaking. That was on a million dollar set, with the backing of a multi-million dollar performance institution. These two ladies were in a small art gallery, packed to gills with people and body odor (almost on par with the crowds of Dragon*Con) and were no less breathtaking. The amount of skill and talent I watched on stage was as good as anything, and I mean anything, I’ve ever seen on stage. Still don’t believe me? Don’t take my word for it, ask the Dresden Dolls. They used them in their show in St. Louis in January of 2008. See:

If you’re asking yourself if these acts tour (and if you aren’t, you should), they do. In fact, Gravity Plays Favorites will be in Nashville tomorrow (2/13) night and Lola Van Ella and the Bon-Bons make road trips as well. I’ve included the links for everyone’s respective myspace pages which have schedules for upcoming shows. Check them out, you won’t be disappointed. I certainly wasn’t.

I’ve been planning a second tattoo after I graduate for a while, but I’m having some trouble deciding upon what to get tattooed and where. Today I was talking to a friend (Hey Lobo!) when I came up with the most horrible tattoo I think could ever exist. Get ready, cause this will be gross:

I will tattoo the face of Jesus on the tip of my dick. His mouth will be urethral opening. Admittedly this would be the most painful tattoo one could get, and create an odd messiah to say the least, so I’d never actually do this to myself. But if someone else does…you’re a fucking lunatic.

However, there are some things you can now say and make them awesome:

“Is Jesus inside of you? Would you like to have Jesus inside of you?”
“Have you found Christ?”
“Kneel before your lord.”
and when you ejaculate…”BEHOLD! THE WORD OF GOD!”

How fucking funny is that? Also, you could totally kill vampires with your urine!